Dec 6, 2020 | Buddhism Blog |
The second
of the four immeasurables is kind-heartedness. This
is not about how we feel, but about how we relate to these feelings. It invites
us to drop our habitual patterns of reactivity and to free ourselves from
emotional habits which serve neither ourselves nor anyone else.
Sometimes
our goodwill only covers people that are useful, pleasing or amusing to us.
This is not how we should divide groups of people; we have to see people
through the eyes of kindness. We must open our hearts to everyone, and that
includes the people who make us angry, politicians from a party we disagree
with, religious leaders that have different beliefs than ours, people who act
and dress differently than us, and those who just have the knack of rubbing us
up the wrong way. All of these people deserve our kindness, and so we have to train
ourselves to think kind, helpful and positive thoughts about them.
If we just
watch our thoughts for a few hours, it becomes quite apparent that this isn’t
how we usually think. Not every thought radiates kindness to others, so how can
we cultivate kind-heartedness? A great place to start is by doing the following
meditation on a regular basis.
Kind-heartedness Meditation
I want you to think of a person you care about.
Feel gratitude and kindness for this person. Just sit with these feelings for a
moment
Now I want you to repeat the following phrases to
the person you care about and when you are repeating remember to really engage
with the meaning of the words:
May you be kind-hearted to yourself and others x 3
May you be safe and secure x 3
May you have a peaceful mind x 3
Now sit for a moment with feelings of warmth and
kindness for this person
Now think of a neutral person in your life. Someone
you neither class as a friend or you dislike. Bring feelings of kindness and
warmth into your heart for this person. Just sit with these feelings for a
moment
Now I want you to repeat these phrases to the
neutral person and really engage with the meaning of the words:
May you be kind-hearted to yourself and others x 3
May you be safe and secure x 3
May you have a peaceful mind x 3
Now sit with feelings of warmth and kindness for
this person
Now think of a person you are having difficulties
with at the moment. Try to feel kindness towards this person. Remember, they
are just like you – they do not want to suffer, they what to be peaceful and
secure. Just sit with these feelings for a moment
Now I want you to repeat these phrases to the
person you are having difficulty with and really engage with the meaning of the
words:
May you be kind-hearted to yourself and others x 3
May you be safe and secure x 3
May you have a peaceful mind x 3
Now sit with feelings of warmth and kindness for
this person and just put your difficulties to one side for a moment
Now, slowly open your eyes and just sit there a
moment experiencing the warmth of kindheartedness.
Here is a
practice to use in your day-to-day life. I find the best antidote to judging
someone, when we are not on our meditation cushion, is to have a set phrase
that resonates with you, something like, ‘May my mind be at ease, may you be
happy, may everyone be free from suffering’. This phrase can be used when you
feel negative and unhelpful thoughts rising in you.
The next time you start to judge someone, mentally recite your phrase and your judgement will start to dissolve. Remember, we all have to co-exist on this planet and we all want to be happy, so the best way to end our judgemental thoughts is to wish kindness to everyone.
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Nov 22, 2020 | Buddhism Blog |
In
Buddhism, we are taught to avoid and eventually abandon negative states of
mind, such as the three poisons, and encouraged to cultivate positive ones,
such as the four immeasurables, which are: Kind-heartedness, Compassion,
Open-Hearted Joy, and Equanimity. These immeasurables are basically four
individual meditation practices.
Traditionally,
they are taught in the order I mentioned above. However, I believe the fourth
one should come first, because if we have equanimity the other three will
naturally fall into place. Buddhism states that equanimity is not only a very
deep state of mental balance and stability, but also
as an interconnectedness with everyone.
So, let’s
start by looking at equanimity. Our lives are full of ups and downs. If we can
face the downs as well as the ups, we will be able to cultivate an open and
calm mind. We all know that it’s easy to face the ups, but not so easy to come
to terms with the downs; but if we don’t, all we are doing is adding to our
suffering.
When we look at the world, we can clearly
see how hard it is to attain a balanced mind, as we are continuously in a flux
of rises and falls. These lift us up one moment and fling us down the next.
This is true for everyone; we are all the same. So, if that is the case, why do
we discriminate against others? We are all in the same boat, all trying our
best to ride the same waves of life.
So,
equanimity is where we do not distinguish between our friends, the people we
dislike or strangers, but regard everyone as equal. This is not easy because
when we are not being aware of what is happening in the present moment we get
tossed around by our prejudices and emotions. We need to have a complete
openness to our experiences, without being carried away with reactions such as ‘I
like this’ and ‘dislike that’ or ‘I love you’ and ‘I detest you.’ A balanced
mind will mean we are not going to be disturbed by the eight worldly conditions,
as I mentioned in the previous blog.
What we
are trying to do here is remove the boundaries between ourselves and others by
discarding our discriminations. What we are not doing is becoming detached or
feeling indifferent to others. This is a common misunderstanding of what is
meant by equanimity in the four immeasurables.
We have to
look upon others as our equals and see that they have their ups and downs just
like us. If we can do this, equanimity will be able to grow.
The
following mediation practice will help you see everyone as equal.
Equanimity
meditation
In
Buddhism, equanimity means a very deep, even profound, state of mental balance
and stability.
The
cause of much of our upset and emotional instability is clinging neediness to people
we like, and aversion and negativity towards people we don’t like. We also have
an unhealthy indifference to strangers, who may need our help.
In this meditation, we learn to examine our feelings towards people and correct
them where they are mistaken. This leads to a more balanced, wholesome, and
helpful viewpoint. It also cuts off a lot of emotional turmoil at its root.
We are
going to meditate on three types of people (a loved one, one we dislike, and a
neutral person). We are going to examine and correct our feelings toward them.
Sit
comfortably and lightly close your eyes. Start by watching your breath.
To begin with, focus on a friend and look into all the reasons you like this
person.
Try to
see if any of the reasons are about things this person does for you, or ways
they uplift your ego.
Ask
yourself if these are really the correct reasons to like someone.
Now do
the same thing with the person you are having difficulties with. Look to see if
you can find things you like about them.
Notice
where your ego is involved in your judgment of this person.
Finally,
do this for the person you are indifferent towards, asking about the reasons
for your indifference.
Again,
notice where your ego is involved in the judgment of this person.
Next, ask yourself whether you consider each of these relationships as
permanent.
Would
you still like your friend if they did something terrible to you?
What if
the person you dislike really did something nice for you?
What if
the stranger became close to you?
Think
about all the relationships in the past in which your feelings about the person
have dramatically changed.
Now, visualize the person you like doing something you dislike or that is
unacceptable to you. Would you still be their friend?
Remember
that many people have changed from friends to enemies in the past. There are
people who you used to like, toward whom you now dislike.
Think
about how there is no special reason to feel good about a person who is only
temporary part of your life.
Next, visualize the person you are having difficulties with doing something
very kind for you. They might visit you in the hospital or help support you
when you are in trouble. When you imagine this, can you feel positive emotions
toward this person?
Can you
remember times in the past when someone you disliked became a friend?
Is it
necessary to feel that your strong dislike for this person will last forever?
Isn’t it possible that they could someday become your friend?
Now visualize the stranger. How would you feel about them if they did something
very kind for you?
Isn’t
it the case that all your current friends were at one-point total strangers?
Isn’t
it possible that a stranger could become your best friend?
Think carefully about how everyone deserves to be treated equally as human
beings.
It is
very likely that your emotions around a person will change many times, so why
hold onto these emotions so rigidly?
This meditation is a formal practice and what I want to do now is introduce a practice you can use while you go about your daily lives. When you feel your prejudices coming to the surface, have a set phrase to mentally repeat to yourself, something like, ‘They are no different than me. They, like me, are subject to the ups and downs of life. We are all equal’. It is better for you to have your own phrase as it will resonate with you. By mentally repeating your set phrase you will stop your discriminations in their track. After a while you will naturally see all as equal, but that is going to take time. So, for now, use your set phrase and the formal meditation.
You can read more blogs, listen to podcasts, watch videos and practice guided meditations on the Buddhism Guide app. Available from the Apple Store and Google Play.
If you would like to become a supporter of Buddhism Guides work, such as podcasts, blogs, videos and guided meditation practices, please visit here. You can support for as little as $2 a month.