The second
of the four immeasurables is kind-heartedness. This
is not about how we feel, but about how we relate to these feelings. It invites
us to drop our habitual patterns of reactivity and to free ourselves from
emotional habits which serve neither ourselves nor anyone else.
Sometimes
our goodwill only covers people that are useful, pleasing or amusing to us.
This is not how we should divide groups of people; we have to see people
through the eyes of kindness. We must open our hearts to everyone, and that
includes the people who make us angry, politicians from a party we disagree
with, religious leaders that have different beliefs than ours, people who act
and dress differently than us, and those who just have the knack of rubbing us
up the wrong way. All of these people deserve our kindness, and so we have to train
ourselves to think kind, helpful and positive thoughts about them.
If we just
watch our thoughts for a few hours, it becomes quite apparent that this isn’t
how we usually think. Not every thought radiates kindness to others, so how can
we cultivate kind-heartedness? A great place to start is by doing the following
meditation on a regular basis.
Kind-heartedness Meditation
I want you to think of a person you care about.
Feel gratitude and kindness for this person. Just sit with these feelings for a
moment
Now I want you to repeat the following phrases to
the person you care about and when you are repeating remember to really engage
with the meaning of the words:
May you be kind-hearted to yourself and others x 3
May you be safe and secure x 3
May you have a peaceful mind x 3
Now sit for a moment with feelings of warmth and
kindness for this person
Now think of a neutral person in your life. Someone
you neither class as a friend or you dislike. Bring feelings of kindness and
warmth into your heart for this person. Just sit with these feelings for a
moment
Now I want you to repeat these phrases to the
neutral person and really engage with the meaning of the words:
May you be kind-hearted to yourself and others x 3
May you be safe and secure x 3
May you have a peaceful mind x 3
Now sit with feelings of warmth and kindness for
this person
Now think of a person you are having difficulties
with at the moment. Try to feel kindness towards this person. Remember, they
are just like you – they do not want to suffer, they what to be peaceful and
secure. Just sit with these feelings for a moment
Now I want you to repeat these phrases to the
person you are having difficulty with and really engage with the meaning of the
words:
May you be kind-hearted to yourself and others x 3
May you be safe and secure x 3
May you have a peaceful mind x 3
Now sit with feelings of warmth and kindness for
this person and just put your difficulties to one side for a moment
Now, slowly open your eyes and just sit there a
moment experiencing the warmth of kindheartedness.
Here is a
practice to use in your day-to-day life. I find the best antidote to judging
someone, when we are not on our meditation cushion, is to have a set phrase
that resonates with you, something like, ‘May my mind be at ease, may you be
happy, may everyone be free from suffering’. This phrase can be used when you
feel negative and unhelpful thoughts rising in you.
The next time you start to judge someone, mentally recite your phrase and your judgement will start to dissolve. Remember, we all have to co-exist on this planet and we all want to be happy, so the best way to end our judgemental thoughts is to wish kindness to everyone.
You can read more blogs, listen to podcasts, watch videos and practice guided meditations on the Buddhism Guide app. Available from the Apple Store and Google Play.
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In
Buddhism, we are taught to avoid and eventually abandon negative states of
mind, such as the three poisons, and encouraged to cultivate positive ones,
such as the four immeasurables, which are: Kind-heartedness, Compassion,
Open-Hearted Joy, and Equanimity. These immeasurables are basically four
individual meditation practices.
Traditionally,
they are taught in the order I mentioned above. However, I believe the fourth
one should come first, because if we have equanimity the other three will
naturally fall into place. Buddhism states that equanimity is not only a very
deep state of mental balance and stability, but also
as an interconnectedness with everyone.
So, let’s
start by looking at equanimity. Our lives are full of ups and downs. If we can
face the downs as well as the ups, we will be able to cultivate an open and
calm mind. We all know that it’s easy to face the ups, but not so easy to come
to terms with the downs; but if we don’t, all we are doing is adding to our
suffering.
When we look at the world, we can clearly
see how hard it is to attain a balanced mind, as we are continuously in a flux
of rises and falls. These lift us up one moment and fling us down the next.
This is true for everyone; we are all the same. So, if that is the case, why do
we discriminate against others? We are all in the same boat, all trying our
best to ride the same waves of life.
So,
equanimity is where we do not distinguish between our friends, the people we
dislike or strangers, but regard everyone as equal. This is not easy because
when we are not being aware of what is happening in the present moment we get
tossed around by our prejudices and emotions. We need to have a complete
openness to our experiences, without being carried away with reactions such as ‘I
like this’ and ‘dislike that’ or ‘I love you’ and ‘I detest you.’ A balanced
mind will mean we are not going to be disturbed by the eight worldly conditions,
as I mentioned in the previous blog.
What we
are trying to do here is remove the boundaries between ourselves and others by
discarding our discriminations. What we are not doing is becoming detached or
feeling indifferent to others. This is a common misunderstanding of what is
meant by equanimity in the four immeasurables.
We have to
look upon others as our equals and see that they have their ups and downs just
like us. If we can do this, equanimity will be able to grow.
The
following mediation practice will help you see everyone as equal.
Equanimity
meditation
In
Buddhism, equanimity means a very deep, even profound, state of mental balance
and stability.
The
cause of much of our upset and emotional instability is clinging neediness to people
we like, and aversion and negativity towards people we don’t like. We also have
an unhealthy indifference to strangers, who may need our help.
In this meditation, we learn to examine our feelings towards people and correct
them where they are mistaken. This leads to a more balanced, wholesome, and
helpful viewpoint. It also cuts off a lot of emotional turmoil at its root.
We are
going to meditate on three types of people (a loved one, one we dislike, and a
neutral person). We are going to examine and correct our feelings toward them.
Sit
comfortably and lightly close your eyes. Start by watching your breath.
To begin with, focus on a friend and look into all the reasons you like this
person.
Try to
see if any of the reasons are about things this person does for you, or ways
they uplift your ego.
Ask
yourself if these are really the correct reasons to like someone.
Now do
the same thing with the person you are having difficulties with. Look to see if
you can find things you like about them.
Notice
where your ego is involved in your judgment of this person.
Finally,
do this for the person you are indifferent towards, asking about the reasons
for your indifference.
Again,
notice where your ego is involved in the judgment of this person.
Next, ask yourself whether you consider each of these relationships as
permanent.
Would
you still like your friend if they did something terrible to you?
What if
the person you dislike really did something nice for you?
What if
the stranger became close to you?
Think
about all the relationships in the past in which your feelings about the person
have dramatically changed.
Now, visualize the person you like doing something you dislike or that is
unacceptable to you. Would you still be their friend?
Remember
that many people have changed from friends to enemies in the past. There are
people who you used to like, toward whom you now dislike.
Think
about how there is no special reason to feel good about a person who is only
temporary part of your life.
Next, visualize the person you are having difficulties with doing something
very kind for you. They might visit you in the hospital or help support you
when you are in trouble. When you imagine this, can you feel positive emotions
toward this person?
Can you
remember times in the past when someone you disliked became a friend?
Is it
necessary to feel that your strong dislike for this person will last forever?
Isn’t it possible that they could someday become your friend?
Now visualize the stranger. How would you feel about them if they did something
very kind for you?
Isn’t
it the case that all your current friends were at one-point total strangers?
Isn’t
it possible that a stranger could become your best friend?
Think carefully about how everyone deserves to be treated equally as human
beings.
It is
very likely that your emotions around a person will change many times, so why
hold onto these emotions so rigidly?
This meditation is a formal practice and what I want to do now is introduce a practice you can use while you go about your daily lives. When you feel your prejudices coming to the surface, have a set phrase to mentally repeat to yourself, something like, ‘They are no different than me. They, like me, are subject to the ups and downs of life. We are all equal’. It is better for you to have your own phrase as it will resonate with you. By mentally repeating your set phrase you will stop your discriminations in their track. After a while you will naturally see all as equal, but that is going to take time. So, for now, use your set phrase and the formal meditation.
You can read more blogs, listen to podcasts, watch videos and practice guided meditations on the Buddhism Guide app. Available from the Apple Store and Google Play.
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Nobody’s life
is perfect, we all have good and bad days. This is part and parcel of our worldly
concerns. Sometimes the world is like a rose, all beautiful and fragrant. Other
times, it is like the stem of the rose, all thorny and prickly.
An optimist
will see the world as rosy, whereas a pessimist sees it as thorny. But
realistically, the world is both rosy and thorny. A person who understands this
point will not be seduced by the rose or become averse to the thorns.
Buddha taught
that there are eight worldly concerns and if we are a realist we will
understand that the pendulum swings both ways, sometimes they will be under the
sway of the four concerns we believe to be desirable and sometimes the four concerns
we think of as undesirable.
We have to accept that these eight worldly concerns are part of this human life. So, what are the eight worldly concerns? The ones we call desirable are gain, status, praise and pleasure. The four we call undesirables being loss, insignificance, blame and pain. It doesn’t matter if we see them as desirable or undesirable, they are all ultimately causes of our suffering.
We are all
subject to gain and loss, not only of material things, such as our possessions,
but also of our friends and family. We may go out a buy a new phone and it
makes us very happy, until one day it is stolen, we then become sad – gain and
loss. You may have, in the past, met a wonderful person who you get on really
well with, but recently they died – gain and loss. If you are a businessman,
you suffer from gain and loss on a regular basis. These are some examples of
what we are subject to in our lives. I am sure you could think of hundreds
more.
Reflection
Before you move on, do this reflection practice.
It is easy to see the suffering in loss but not so easy in gain.
Reflect on a time you gained something you wanted, but now you no longer have
it. Think of how you felt when you gained it, and then think of how you felt
when you lost it.
Status and insignificance
are another two worldly concerns that confront us in the course of our daily
lives. Status comes in various forms, such as celebrities and politicians, or
you may be highly regarded within your profession, or even a well-respected
Buddhist teacher. Whatever the status, you can become attach to your public
image and the prestige that goes with it. Even if we do not want to be famous,
we still like to be looked upon in the best possible light. I am sure, if we
are honest, we all like a bit of status, because who wants to feel unimportant
or overlooked?
I expect we
have all dreamt of our fifteen minutes of fame and we only need to look at
reality TV to see that is true. Some people are world superstars and others are
just well known in their own backyards, but whatever your status, it is
important to see it as a fleeting thing. Very few people stay famous all of
their lives, for most it is only a few years. So, to hold on to fame as though
it is something tangible is going to bring you suffering.
Remember,
status is just someone’s perspective. You may feel a person is very highly
regarded, but for me, I have never even heard of them. So, to cling onto the
notion of being famous is a fool’s game. Once we have reached the top, there is
only one way to go.
Reflection
Reflect on your status, is it just a projection or is it
something solid and permanent. I am sure you will see that it is a projection
and nothing tangible, so by holding onto it you are cause yourself emotional
and psychological suffering.
The next two
pairs of worldly concerns are praise and blame. We all like to be told, ‘Well
done!’ when we do something right. It makes us feel happy and gives us a sense
of pride. Praise is like some sort of a drug we quiet happily get addicted to.
Whereas, no one enjoys being blamed, even if they have done something wrong.
If we are able
to face blame in an impassive way and remain calm even though people are saying
some hurtful things about us, then we are dealing with this worldly condition
in a constructive way. If we give very little regard to whether we are held in
high esteem or thought of as a person of no influence, then we can be said to
be rising above worldly attachments.
If we are able to keep our composure when we lose out, or are glorified as being a very special, talented person, this will help reduce any pride, jealousy or emotional hurt, even though it is not always that easy.
It is human
nature to soak up praise and push away blame. We are all desperately searching
for happiness and running away from suffering. I know when someone says
something nice about me, I feel happy and proud, but if I am blamed, I can
become all defensive and hurt.
Reflection
Reflect on these two states of mind and try to understand them
as one of the same: impermanent and fleeting. This will help you stop getting
attached to praise and running away from blame.
The final pair
are pleasure and pain. This is where we are the same as animals; we chase after
pleasure and run away from pain. I personally do not know anyone who prefers
sorrow to laughter, or harm to happiness. This is just the way we are. It is
like a bond that ties us all together.
Watching
pleasure and pain arising in the mind and remaining open to them, without
attaching to or rejecting them, enables us to let the concerns be, even in the
most emotionally charged circumstances.
It is clear
pleasure is what we aim for in life and not pain. But they are both things that
come into being for a short time and then disappear. So, in that respect they
are no different. Buddha’s advice is to not welcome them or rebel against them,
just let them come and go. Allow the pleasure to arise and enjoy it while it is
there but know it won’t last. The same for pain, you may be hurting now but it
won’t last, so don’t get all emotionally tangled up in it.
Reflection
Think about how you chase after pleasure and turn away from
pain. See that one can quite easily turn into the other. One minute we are
happy the next we are sad, and vice versa. This will help you see the transient
nature of them both and allow you to let then simply rise and fall away.
When we start
seeing the eight worldly concerns for what they are, impermanent and fleeting, and
watching the mind’s reaction to them, we will be able to prevent them from
causing us to suffer. This is not just a meditation practice; we have to take
it into our day-to-day lives. We need to understand that life is full of gain,
loss, status, obscurity, blame, praise, pleasure and pain.
Someone is
always going to profit and someone else will lose out; for every famous person,
there are hundreds of others who are unknown; if one person is blamed, another
will be praised; and what gives one person pleasure, will give another pain.
This is the way of the world. It doesn’t matter if you are skilled in Buddha’s
teachings or not. You will still be subject to the eight worldly concerns. It
is how you deal with these concerns that differentiates you from others.
So, don’t see these worldly concerns as desirable or undesirable, see them as things that come and go, that are part and parcel of life. Don’t get attached to them or push them away, allow then to simple appear and then disappear.
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Mindfulness
is traditionally based on the four foundations and that is what I want to
address here, but before I do that, I want to discuss an issue I have with the
modern mindfulness movement. To be more specific, their definition of
mindfulness. People who know me will tell you that I am not a traditionalist
and my issue is not about secularism versus traditionalism, it is solely about
their interpretation.
Mindfulness
cannot be summed up in a single statement, it is too vast for that, yet that is
what has happened. Their definition is:
Mindfulness is an awareness of what
is happening in the present moment, brought about by purposefully paying
attention in a non-judgemental way.
Mindfulness
was never meant to be a standalone practice. It was part of the three basics of
the path, namely ethics, awareness and wisdom. The above definition only covers
one of these basics of the path; awareness. A thief breaking into your house, a
solider on the battlefield about to kill someone and a person putting poison
into someone’s food are all examples of being aware of what is happening in the
present moment. All of them lack ethics and wisdom.
My
next gripe concerns the part that reads, ‘Paying attention in a non-judgemental
way.’ I wonder if that is even possible and I certainly think it is not
beneficial. We make judgement calls all the time, from what we wear, what we
eat, the job we do and so on. It is impossible to live without some form of
judgement.
If
I am harming someone and I bring myself back into the present moment and I
don’t judge what I am doing, how am I going to change my behaviour?
If
mindfulness is going to be affective it needs to cover all three aspects of the
basics of the path and that is why I have devised a practice called AWARE. I
feel this can be a bridge between traditional and secular mindfulness.
You
bring yourself into the present moment by using a breathing exercise, focusing
on your senses or bringing your awareness back to your body. Once you are in
the here and now, you can start the AWARE practice.
AWARE
stands for Attention, Why, Assess, Reality, Examine
A –
bring your clear attention to what you are doing. Are you on autopilot? Are you
being led by unconscious habits, behaviour or biases? This covers the awareness
aspect of the three basics of the path.
W –
ask yourself, ‘Why am I doing it. What is my motivation, what is my intention?’
This covers the wisdom aspect.
A –
assess if your behaviour is beneficial. Is it ethical, is it helping me to be
the person I want to be? Is it compassionate or hurtful to myself and others?
This covers the ethics aspect.
R –
is it based in reality? Or am I generalising, catastrophising or letting my
imagination run wild? This covers the wisdom aspect.
E –
examine a more mindful, beneficial and compassionate way to act. A way that is
based in fact and not fantasy. A way that helps support me and others. This
covers all three aspects.
I
personally believe by adopting the AWARE practice once you have brought
yourself back into the present moment, you will be able to make changes to your
behaviour, you will be able to change and grow. That, I feel, is the whole
purpose of mindfulness. So, now let’s look at the four foundations.
The four foundation practices of
mindfulness are of being aware of our bodies, of our feelings, of our minds and
of our mental states.
The purpose of these practices is to
get to know ourselves better. It will help us understand what is working for us
and what isn’t. This will allow us to change more effectively and positively.
Awareness of
body
The first practice is for the body.
We need to be aware of our body and all the actions carried out by it. But we do not need to see it as
‘my’ body. If we think of it as ‘my’ body, it could lead to attachment
and give us a false sense of identity. Reflect on the time and effort we spend
on this body just to look good. Imagine how much money is spent each year on
plastic surgery and beauty products. It would appear we are completely obsessed
with our bodies. We might be mindful of how the body looks but very rarely
spend time on observing the actions it carries out.
There are many ways of contemplating
the body, but a simple and effective one is doing a full body scan. You can
find guided body scan meditations on my website.
In today’s world, we always seem to
be running from pillar to post, so this meditation will help you get back in
tune with the body and calm your mind at the same time. I am sure you will be
surprised at how much tension you are carrying around with you and what
different sensations you have in various parts of the body.
The full body scan is one of my
favourite practices and I am always surprised at the sensations I am carrying
around. Over the years I have noticed certain sensations correspond to
different emotions and experiences. When I was young, I started to have asthma
and I noticed that 10 to 15 minutes before an attack I would start to get an
itching sensation under my chin. This gave me ample time to take my tablet and
prevent the attack from taking hold. Many sensations in the body are there for
a reason, but unfortunately, we have lost the art of reading our bodies and
rely too much on our minds. This application of mindful awareness will bring
you back in touch with your body.
As we become more in touch with our
bodies you may ask how can we integrate this awareness into our daily practice?
Whatever you do with the body affects you and those around you. So, this is
where a daily reflective practice will help you. Look back on the day and see
what actions you have carried out with the body. The ones that are conducive to
responsible living should be noted. This will ensure that, through repetition,
they can become spontaneous. The ones that are not conducive to living
responsibly should also be noted and a clear effort should be made to refrain
from doing them again. It is through staying mindful of our bodily actions that
we will be able to live responsibly.
Awareness of
feelings
Another application for mindful
awareness is feelings. Now, I am not talking about emotions here, many people
get the two mixed up. Emotions are mental states whereas feelings arise when
our senses coming into contact with something. There are three types of
feelings, namely pleasant, unpleasant and neutral. One of these three are
present during every moment of our experience. They may be strong or weak, but
they are always present.
Here are some examples of how
feelings occur. You may be walking down the street and you pass a good-looking
person; this brings up pleasant feelings. As you walk further, a dog barks at
you and unpleasant feelings arise. A bit later, you walk past a group of people
you do not know, none of them are of interest to you, so you have a neutral
feeling.
If we are not mindful and leave our
feelings unchecked, pleasant feelings can lead to clinging desires, painful
feelings to hatred and neutral feelings to apathy. When paying attention to feelings, the important
thing is simply to notice them, become aware of them, without either clinging
to them or pushing them away.
Here are two ways we can mindfully
get in touch with our feelings. Firstly, during meditation, after you have
spent some time watching your breath, notice what comes into your mind and
observe what feeling is attached to that experience. Don’t try to change or
judge the feeling, just become aware of it and then let it go on its way. Then
do the same with the next object that comes into your mind. You can do this for
as long as you like and then return back to your breathing awareness. This practice helps you notice how
you feel and what’s going on with you. It also helps you to understand that a
feeling is present in every experience you have.
As with your awareness of your body
you can also review your feelings during your daily reflective practice. When
you think of an incident that happened that day, check to see what feelings it
invoked in you. Did it bring up pleasant, painful or neutral feelings? Don’t
try to control the feelings, just be mindful of them.
Being watchful of our feelings helps
us see what desires we are chasing when a pleasant feeling is present and what
is being invoked by our unpleasant feelings. We can also learn to simply
observe an experience, without getting all tangled up in it. This will help us
to form neutral responses, instead of getting attached to pleasant feelings or
repelled by unpleasant feelings.
Awareness of
mind
The next area of focus is on our
minds. We can apply mindful awareness to explore deep into our minds. If I am
honest, this was always the most difficult for me to get my head around. How
can the mind look at itself? The answer that came to me is that we look at the
mind as though we are looking in a mirror. When we talk about the mind we tend to think of it as a
single thing, but it is actually a sequence of instances that arise from moment
to moment in response to the perceptions coming to us from the six senses –
things we see, hear, smell, taste, and touch and from internal mental states.
The mind is a process and cannot exist alone. So, when we look at the mind, we
are actually looking at the processing going on in the brain.
We rarely stop and spend time
observing our minds. We just let thoughts, hopes, fears and dreams come and go
unchecked. But our minds, if left unrestrained, can lead us into all kinds of
situations. So, we practice simply observing our minds. We do not engage with
what we see – we just allow it to arise and go. I understand that this is
easier said than done, but with practice, patience and effort, it is
achievable.
During your meditation or a daily
reflective practice, observe your mind and see what state it is in: is it
tired, lazy, angry, happy or disturbed? Note the state, but don’t try to change
it. Ask yourself, “How is my mind at the moment?” “Is it full of desire, full
of anger, or full of ignorance. Is it present in the moment or distracted?” We
need to look at our mind in this way, and just see it as it is, not pass any
judgement or think of it as ‘my mind’.
You can also focus your awareness on the way each thought arises,
remains and then moves away. This helps us to stop blindly following one
thought after another. We gain insight and understand that we are not our
thoughts and we do not need to chase after each and every one. In fact, we
cannot find any part of our mind to identify with, it is just a constantly
changing process.
Once you have learned how to
dispassionately watch your mind, whenever your mind is disturbed, you should
firstly examine it and then, with calmness, act in a proper way – a way that is
not going to harm yourself or others. Developing awareness of the mind will
help us lead a life where we are not becoming disturbed or disturbing others. We come to know the mind as it
really is – a process.
Awareness of mental states
The final application of mindfulness
is concerning mental states. A mental state is an awareness of objects that
come in contact with our senses, which occur on a moment to moment basis. As we
bring awareness to these moments of consciousness, we begin to strengthen our
ability to take mindfulness into our daily lives.
There are pleasurable mental states,
such as happiness, compassion, empathy, contentment, and painful mental states,
such as greed, apathy, anger, selfishness and so on.
We are not looking to oppose these
mental states, but just become aware of them, acknowledge them, learn from them
and let them go. There are several ways of letting the mental states go and
here are the ones that have worked for me.
You can change the painful into a pleasurable,
such as replacing greed with generosity or hatefulness with compassion.
Thinking of the consequences of the painful mindset can be another way of
letting go. If we understand that this mindset is leading us down a wrong path,
we should not follow it. We could for example bring to mind the insight that
all things that arise are impermanent, the painful mental factor is not going
to last, so just let it go. All of these practices are not easy, but they are
doable, it just takes effort.
Reflection
We should also look to reflect on
mental factors and here is a suggested practice.
Sit
comfortably and place your awareness on your breath.
When a
mental state arises, and it will, if it is strong enough to disrupt your focus
on the breath, rest your awareness in that new state, allowing yourself to be
aware of what the state is, such as joyful mind or angry mind, fearful mind or
contented mind, until it naturally subsides. If the mental state is strong,
notice what it feels like in the body. Is there tightness,
discomfort, pain? Where is it located?
Now look at
the consequences of this mental state. Will it lead to a sense of peace in your
life or lead to more difficulty?
If another
mental state arises and is strong enough to hold your attention, continue to
practice with it. If one doesn’t, then return to watching your breath until
your meditation session has finished.
This brings us to the end of the four foundations of mindfulness. If we are going to be mindful and live a responsible life, we have to be fully aware of, but not tangled up in, our bodies, our feelings, our minds and our mental states. By being mindful, we will be able to take full responsibility for all of our actions. This will ensure that our minds become calmer and we spend more time in the present moment, not being tossed backwards and forwards from past to future. Being mindful means being conscious of every thought, feeling, emotion and action. Repeatedly during the day, take a few moments to bring mindful awareness to your breath, body sensations, mind, feelings and mental states. Then use the AWARE practice as this is a good way of helping yourself to settle down into the present moment and to expand your formal meditation practices into your everyday life.
You can read more blogs, listen to podcasts, watch videos and practice guided meditations on the Buddhism Guide app. Available from the Apple Store and Google Play.
If you would like to become a supporter of Buddhism Guides work, such as podcasts, blogs, videos and guided meditation practices, please visithere. You can support for as little as $2 a month.
The
second aspect of the eight-fold path is living responsibly. We can achieve this
by being mindful of our communication, actions and livelihood.
Communication
Appropriate
communication is a big part of this path and can help us live a more
responsible life. Traditionally, there are four different aspects of this, and
they are refraining from lying, divisive speech, using abusive words and
gossiping.
I am
sure the majority of us wish to live in a kind and compassionate place where
people communicate wisely and appropriately, contributing to a more harmonious
world. We can go some way in achieving this by being truthful, using words that
bring us together, being polite and talking meaningfully. These are skilful
ways for us to connect with each other.
Of
course, we shouldn’t fool ourselves and think that we can always be truthful,
polite and meaningful. There are going to be occasions where it makes sense to
stretch the truth, talk harshly and spend time in idle chatter.
Not telling the truth
once
we have lied to someone, we invariably have to tell another lie to cover the
first one, and then another, and another, until we have created a web of lies.
It truly harms someone when they realise they have been lied to, and it will
harm us when we are branded a liar.
Some
say they lied so as not to hurt the other person’s feelings, but have you
considered how they will feel when they find out you lied? Maybe the truth is
painful or difficult to say, but there are various ways of breaking it to
someone. You can tell them in a kind and sympathetic way. You can support them
once you have told them the truth. What you do not have to do is charge in like
a bull in a china shop. However, it is kinder in the long run to tell someone
the truth.
I get
very upset when I have been lied to, as most people do, and so I keep this fact
in mind when I am talking to others.
Divisive
speech
When
people use divisive speech they are hell-bent on causing a severance between a
person and a group of people. Divisive speech is never positive or productive.
It is used only to harm.
This
type of speech mainly stems from jealousy, pride or hatred. I have come across
it several times in the workplace. A colleague has been promoted and some
people are jealous, so they try to split the workforce. This is divisive
speech.
You
are jealous of your sibling, so you tell divisive stories to your parents in
the hope they will favour you over your sibling. This is divisive speech.
When
I lived in London, before I was a monk, I had a large group of friends who used
to meet at least once a week to have some fun. One of the group members
introduced to us a very attractive woman he had gone to school with. Several of
the guys took a fancy to her and started to flirt. Several women took a dislike
to her because of her beauty and bubbly personality. All of them started to be
divisive. It eventually split the group and we stopped meeting. This is
divisive speech and shows how destructive it can be.
These
are just a few examples, but what is clear is that we must refrain from this
type of speech because it will harm others and eventually harm ourselves. You
will get a reputation for being someone who is always trying to cause trouble,
and people will disassociate themselves from you.
Harsh
Words
These
are swear words, bad language or words that are said only to cause harm. They
are never useful or kind, and usually stem from anger or impatience.
If
someone upsets us we can lose control and say things we do not really mean. The
words are meant to hurt the other person, but usually, after we have calmed
down, we regret them and the words come back to hurt us also. We must stay
mindful of our speech and not allow this to happen.
Sometimes
we get impatient with people when they are not doing what we want, they are
doing it wrong or just differently, they are not being open and truthful or
they are not doing anything and it is just us who is irritable. At these times
we tend to get angry and start saying harsh words. Obviously, the way around
this is to be more patient and have respect for other people’s viewpoints and
feelings.
Every
time you raise your voice or say harsh words, you have lost the argument. When
your voice goes up, your credibility comes down.
Gossiping
Gossip
stems from jealousy, hatred, aversion, ignorance or just having nothing better
to do with your time. It is very destructive, cruel and can never be classed as
helpful. At the time we may enjoy spreading some rumour or other, but just
think how you would feel if people were saying the same things about you.
Gossip
is both harmful and a waste of time. I do believe that social networking sites,
such as Twitter and Facebook, encourage such unhelpful and wasteful gossip. I
am not saying these sites are not of any use—I use them every day—but they can
be used wrongly and end up ruining someone’s reputation or career.
So,
the antidote to these four unhelpful ways of talking are: speak only truthful
words, words that spread harmony and not discord, words that are kind and
compassionate, words that help and not harm others.
I
understand that this isn’t always possible, so let’s look at some examples. If
a seriously ill person asked you if they are going to die and by telling them
the truth you would be making matters worse, it is better to lie to them and
allow them to have some peace. Maybe one of your friends has gotten in with the
wrong crowd, so you decide to speak divisively and try to break up the group.
Your young child is about to put their hand into a fire and out of compassion
you speak harshly to stop them. A work colleague is having a rough time and is
finding it hard to open up, so you indulge in idle chatter to win their trust,
so they can finally feel comfortable to talk about their problems.
All
these examples show that appropriate communication isn’t always black and
white. I think as a rule of thumb, we should ensure that if we do lie, are
divisive, talk harshly or gossip it is for the benefit of others and not just
for our own selfish gain.
The
final word I will give to Buddha, he said this is appropriate communication:
‘It is spoken at the right time. It is spoken
in truth. It is spoken affectionately. It is spoken beneficially. It is spoken
with a mind of goodwill’.
Action
Appropriate
action traditionally covers those actions we should refrain from. We are
advised to avoid violent acts, to refrain from taking what has not been given,
to limit our consumption of intoxicants and to refrain from causing harm
through sexual activity. However, I believe the concept of appropriate action
should cover all the actions we undertake in our lives. The more we can bring
mindfulness to our everyday actions the more our life improves and the impact
our life has on others will also grow.
Violent
Acts
This
doesn’t just cover violence towards humans; it also covers animals, big or
small. I should make it clear here that I am talking about intentional and/or unnecessary acts of
violence, which include killing as well as physically harming. We have to
understand that all beings have the equal right to live and be free from
suffering, so that is why we have to refrain from doing them any intentional
harm.
It is
very difficult to go through life without unintentionally killing or harming
things. When we wash vegetables, we are more than likely killing small insects,
but this is not our intention. Our intention is to prepare the vegetables for
eating, so this is not what I am talking about here. Having said that, we
should check the vegetables beforehand to ensure there are no insects on them.
Once
you get into the habit of killing, it is very hard to break that habit. You may
see a mosquito on your arm and squash it. You do the same the next time a
mosquito lands on you and the time after that. Eventually you do not even have
to look; you just automatically squash it. This is when the act of killing has
become a habit.
The
way to prevent ourselves from killing/harming is to understand that all beings
are the same as us. They want to be happy and not suffer. So, if we know this,
a feeling of compassion will rise in us and it will become much harder to
kill/harm.
Taking
what has not been given
If we
take something that has not been given or belongs to someone else, this is
stealing, no matter how big or small the item is.
The
first time we steal we may feel guilty and scared of being caught. However, the
more you steal the less guilty and scared you are. In the end you steal just
because you can and not because you need to. This is when stealing has become a
habit.
In Buddhism, we
talk about five factors relating to taking what has not been freely given and
they are: someone else’s belongings, the awareness that they are someone
else’s, the thought of theft, the action of carrying it out, the taking away as
a result of it. All five factors have to be in play for a theft to take place.
We
don’t like people stealing from us, so we should refrain from stealing from
them. Once we get the reputation of being a thief, it will be very hard for
people to trust us. So, by stealing we are hurting both ourselves and others.
Sexual
misconduct
This
is causing harm to someone by the use of the sexual act, such as rape, sex with
someone underage or sex with a married person—here the victim being the
person’s partner. If we physically, emotionally or mentally force someone into
sex, this is causing him or her harm and must be refrained from. There are many
people today still carrying the scars of sexual misconduct. So, this precept
should not be taken lightly.
It is important to keep in mind
that Buddha taught the precept on sexual misconduct to help us refrain from
harming someone through the sexual act. He did not teach it to be moralistic or
make people feel guilty for their sexual orientation.
Livelihood
This
is an important aspect of the path and one we probably do not give a lot of
thought to. We should aim to engage in compassionate activity and earn our
living in a way that does not cause harm and is ethically positive. Most
of us spend a large part of our waking hours at work, so it’s important to
assess how our work affects us and those around us. We need to work to earn
money, without money we cannot survive, this is an unavoidable fact of life.
But have you ever stopped to think whether your work is helping or harming?
Come to think about it, have you ever stopped to think what is an ethically
appropriate livelihood at all?
Do
you have an appropriate livelihood? It may not be as black and white as you
first think. You may sell guns to the army to keep the country safe, but those
guns could fall into the hands of a terrorist and be used to kill innocent
people. You may make cars, so people can get around, but one of those cars may
be involved in an accident and someone is killed. You may make rope and it is
used by someone to commit suicide. I know I have given extreme examples here,
but I just want to get you thinking about the consequences of your livelihood.
It
would be impossible to examine all the possible effects our work has in the
world, but we should certainly contemplate whether we are causing harm in any
obvious or direct ways, to humans, to animals, and to the planet.
I
recently met a young biologist and he had a dilemma. He had just graduated and
was looking for work, but every job he applied for required testing on animals.
He said he just couldn’t bring himself to kill animals, even if it meant he
might discover a new way to help humans. Our choices are not always clear cut,
we need to think very carefully about what path we decide to take. We should
consider the consequences, to ourselves and to others, of any choice we make.
I
fully understand that we need to work to earn money and sometimes we have to do
the jobs we find unpalatable. So, I am not being judgemental here. I am just
pointing out that we have to be mindful of our livelihoods, and reiterating the
fact that actions have consequences.
Pause here for a moment and give your livelihood some thought.
Is it ethical?
Am I forced to do things that go against my redlines?
Do I fully understand the consequences of my livelihood?
Living
responsibly highlights the importance of acting in an appropriate way
physically, verbally and psychologically. If we don’t, we can often
inadvertently cause conflict and bitterness amongst the people we come into
contact with. We must integrate this part of the path into our daily lives and
be constantly mindful of the actions we are carrying out.
The
key point about living responsibly is to have integrity. I find that the best
way for my actions to remain skilful is to keep the view of cause and
consequences in the forefront of my mind. Whenever a thought arises, I try to
gauge whether it will be helpful or harmful and what the consequences are going
to be. This is no easy task and requires us to be mindful of our thoughts.
When
we are being mindful it gives us the space to think before we act. An alert
mind has the opportunity to override unhelpful or destructive thoughts. It
brings awareness into whatever we are intending to do. This is how we can
ensure our actions are appropriate and skilful.
This ends the ‘living responsibly’ aspect of the eightfold path.
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