Recently, I have been asked on several occasions to do a blog on lust. When I delve a bit further, it seems people have three ideas of what lust is. Firstly, lust is about wanting sex with another person, secondly, it is bad, and thirdly, it is the opposite of love. All these assumptions, I feel, are incorrect. So, let’s start by looking at these three points.
Lust is the strong, passionate desire for something, and not only sex, but also, food, drink, money, fame, power, knowledge and so on. It is a biological impulse without which you would not have been born in the first place. Our purpose in life is to survive, that is how our brains are wired. So, seeing lust as something bad is not helpful. I believe what is important is how you act upon your lust. You can act in an appropriate or inappropriate way – of course this is a judgement call, but if you are about to harm someone because of lust, that for me is inappropriate.
I believe lust is not the opposite to love, but how to tell them apart? I see lust as hasty and secretive whereas love is patient and restrained. Lust is all about taking and love is all about sharing.
Now, there is nothing wrong with sexual desire as such. The problems start when it turns from servant into master, and it starts to consume our every thought.
Lust is a natural emotion most people will eventually experience, however it’s important to be careful of how you act on it. If lust is not expressed healthily or respectfully, it could lead to abuse or other issues.
Remember, you can love your pets and that is love with no lust. You can see a beautiful person and want to have sex with them – that is lust, but no love. You can love your partner and want to have sex with him or her – that is love and lust together. So, we cannot say that lust is the opposite of love.
So, what to do if we are becoming overpowered by lust? Buddha stated this:
Just as rain comes through the roof of a badly thatched house. So, sensual desire invades an undeveloped mind
So, lust, says the Buddha, can be controlled or eliminated by attaining a higher level of consciousness. How do we achieve that? I would say one of the best ways is through meditation.
By trying to control your lust, you are putting it outside of yourself. You are seeing lust and yourself as two separate entities. That way of looking at things is going to sets up a duality. On one side is lust, which you are labelling in your mind as bad, and on the other side is you, which you want to think of as good. That dualistic way of thinking is going to lead to you getting attached to both these concepts, lust is bad, and you are good. However, if you choose to acknowledge and accept the sensations you are describing as lust, the duality will disappear.
Sit in meditation and focus on your breath until you are calm and relaxed. Then recall the last time you had lustful thoughts. Sit with those thoughts a moment without trying to judge or change them. Now, slowly scan down your body from the top of your head to the tips of your toes. When you feel sensations that you describe as lust, acknowledge and accept them. This can be challenging but is achievable with practice. Acknowledge the feeling by labelling it lust and accept that at the moment there is lust. Do not identify with the lust by saying, ‘I am feeling lust.’ This will make it difficult to let the feeling go. Just say to yourself, ‘At the moment there is lust.’ This will help you accept the feeling, without judging it or yourself. Once you have done this, watch what happens to the thought or feeling. They will slowly disappear and relinquish its power.
When you have finished, gently turn your focus back to your breath for a few minutes before you go back to your regular activities.
When you acknowledge and accept the aspect of yourself that you conceive of as lust, you will integrate you and the lust into one and dissolve the duality. You will start to see lust as a fruitless desire that only leads to mental and emotional suffering.
Other things you can try are:
Being more mindful of your thoughts can help you stop getting carried away by sexual desires. The more we spend in the present moment, being aware of our thoughts, feelings, body sensations and the immediate environment, the more likely we are to catch our lustful thoughts. It is when our minds are being driven by the subconscious mind that we tend to miss lust arising within us. So, the more you are in your conscious mind, the more you are aware of what is happening, the easier it is to catch the thoughts as they arise. So, use mindfulness practices to keep bring yourself back to the here and now.
Avoiding temptations can help you manage your lustful desires. For instance, if you’re tempted to look at porn whenever you’re on your computer, you can download an app or browser extension to block the porn websites. If you’re struggling with sexual feelings for a particular person, limit how much time you spend with them, if possible.
If you understand your desires, it will make it easier to control them. Whenever you experience feelings of lust, reflect on the circumstances. Do you get more unwanted sexual thoughts when you’re stressed or bored? What about when you’re around certain people or in specific places, such as bars or nightclubs? Write down a list of things that seem to trigger those unwanted thoughts and feelings and think of some ideas of how to deal with those triggers. Set an intention to find new coping methods and form healthier habits.
Don’t try to push down unwanted thoughts and feelings because this doesn’t work. This can be really frustrating, but you’ll feel so much better if you acknowledge your thoughts instead of fighting them. Don’t try to ignore them or try to force them out of your mind, just notice them and let them sit there without judgment. Your mind will eventually wander to something else.
This doesn’t mean that your unwanted sexual thoughts and feelings will go away forever. Just practice being more accepting of the thoughts when they come. Remember, nobody can completely control their thoughts and feelings. Remind yourself that what’s going on in your brain and body isn’t your fault and doesn’t make you a bad person, even if it feels unhelpful and inappropriate. The important thing is how you act on those thoughts.
We have to realise that lust is a powerful force and there are repercussions to pushing it down or inhibiting yourself. Don’t use any method that involves self-criticism, self-judgment, self-harm, hatred and so on. This is only going to make the problem worse.
It’s completely normal to experience lust, or sexual desire. It is all part and parcel of being a human. However, if you just can’t shake those uncomfortable thoughts and feelings, don’t worry, try the suggestions I have made here.
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The first
noble truth describes how life has suffering running through it and in the
second truth Buddha gave some of the reasons for this suffering. There is not
just one cause of our suffering, as there is not one cause of anything. Things
come into being through a series of causes and conditions, and that is the same
for our suffering. However, there are three main things that cause us emotional
and psychological suffering, namely, the three poisons. They are clinging
desire, anger and aversion and unawareness.
In the Dhammapada it states:
‘The one who protects his mind from clinging desire, anger and aversion and unawareness, is the one who enjoys real and lasting peace’.
Clinging Desire
Not all of
our desires cause us suffering; only the ones we cling to. We may have a desire
to help people, a desire to reduce our suffering or to improve ourselves. As
long as we are not clinging to these desires there is no problem.
So, desire
on its own isn’t the problem. The problem is our clinging and grasping at the
things we desire. We wrongly believe that material things and people, such as
family, friends and loved ones, can make us permanently and truly happy.
However, if we take the time to investigate, we will find that these desires
eventually lead us into a feeling of discontentment, sadness and loss. Why is
that? It is because we have grown attached to the people we love or the things
we own. Again, there is not a problem with loving the people close to us; the
suffering starts once we get attached to them, believe they will be with us
forever and their thoughts and feelings for us will never change. This simply
isn’t the case.
You can
test this theory out. Think of a time when someone not very close to you died.
How did you feel? I expect you expressed your condolences but didn’t have too
much sadness. Now think of a time when a member of your family, a friend or a
loved one died. How did you feel? I expect you were devastated and extremely
upset for a long time. So, what is the difference between these two deaths?
Attachment. You were not attached to the first person and so did not suffer a
lot when they died, but you were attached to the second person, and your
clinging attachment is what caused you so much suffering.
We get
attached to our belongings and believe they make us happy. We think we can buy
happiness. The problem with that is our desires are never ending. Once we have
something new, we start wanting something else. We never quite manage to buy
the happiness we are so desperately seeking because there is no happiness
inherent in material things. We just project happiness onto an object and then
cling and grasp at this imaginary happiness, and we eventually suffer once the
object is stolen or stops working.
There is
no problem in wanting things and trying to make our lives more comfortable; the
problem is clinging and grasping at these desires. So do not stop loving the
people close to you or stop wanting to improve your life believing Buddha told
us to do that—he didn’t.
Our
clinging desires lead us to act in certain ways, such as being proud, jealous
and protective, and this in turn leads to our discontentment. This is because
our clinging desires lead us into action, which in turn leads us into
discontentment. It is a vicious cycle. Buddha said:
‘From desire action follows; from action discontentment follows; desire, action and discontentment are like a wheel rotating endlessly’.
To break
this cycle, we have to see that clinging, grasping and getting attached to
people and material objects brings us suffering because things are compounded
and are subject to change. If we can truly embrace this point and apply it to
our daily lives, we will be able to reduce the suffering caused by this poison.
Buddha stated, ‘Human desires
are endless. It is like the thirst of a man who drinks saltwater: he gets no
satisfaction and his thirst is only increased.’ This is surely something we
should be reflecting on.
Anger
and Aversion – Aversion is the opposite to attachment and
anger leads to hatred, discrimination, aggression and a lack of compassion. None
of these are helpful. With desire we want to cling to objects, but with
aversion we do the exact opposite. We spend all our time and energy trying to
push the thing away we do not like. As with desire, we just need to let go, not
hold on to this aversion. Don’t engage with it, hold it or repress it – simply
acknowledge you have an aversion for it, understand that it is causing harm to
yourself and others and find a way of letting it go.
Buddha said this about anger:
‘This fury does so cloud the mind of man that he cannot discern this fearful inner danger’.
Some say that anger is
natural and should be expressed at all costs. This is because most people only
see two ways of dealing with anger, that is, express or repress. Both are
unhealthy. If you constantly express it, you will find that after some time it
will become a habit and you will react angrily all of the time. If you repress
it, you are just storing up trouble for the future. You may be able to keep it
down for some time, but eventually it will surface and may even come back more
violent and hurtful.
Anger is such a destructive
emotion because we engage with it and let it take control of us. So, the Buddha
had a different idea. He advised us to look at the anger and see where it comes
from. It is not to be dealt with but observed. If we do this, we will see that
it stems from our exaggerating the negative qualities of someone or projecting
negative qualities that are not actually there, on to someone or something.
Two of the best ways of
counteracting anger is patience and acceptance.
Patience—This
is something we should cultivate. The best advice is to try and walk away from
the situation that is making you angry. If you cannot do that, then you should
not react straight away, but should first try counting to ten and spend a
little time reflecting on the situation. This will give you the space to calm
down and see things more rationally. Of course, this is not a simple thing to
do when one is wrapped up in the moment, and this is where patience comes in.
The most hurtful things are said in the heat of the moment, so defuse that
moment with patience.
You
could try watching your breath for a moment, use your senses to engage with
what you can see, hear, smell, taste and touch or you could try reciting the
word patience over and over again. All of these will give you a chance to calm
down and build patience.
There is no evil like anger, and no courageousness like patience.
Acceptance—This
is accepting that people are the same as we are. Everyone is struggling to find
their way in life. We strive for happiness, and so does everyone else. If we
think in this way, a feeling of warmth, empathy and compassion will arise in
us. If we are empathic or compassionate towards others, it is harder to get
angry at them. This, again, takes time to master but is something we are all
capable of.
Unawareness
Unawareness
is a lack of understanding of the true nature of things, which leads us into
wrong views. Buddha stated:
‘Because of their unawareness, people are always thinking wrong thoughts and always losing the right viewpoint and, clinging to their egos, they take wrong actions. As a result, they become attached to a delusive existence’.
As
we are unaware of the true nature of the world, we start clinging to objects,
people and ourselves, which leads to wrong actions and causes us to grow
attached to our perception of reality.
Impermanence
is something we understand on an intellectual level, but it is not how we live
our lives. That is because we are unaware of the true implications of
impermanence.
Whatever is
born is impermanent and is bound to die.
Whatever is stored up is impermanent and is bound to run out.
Whatever comes together is impermanent and is bound to come apart.
Whatever is built is impermanent and is bound to collapse.
Whatever rises up is impermanent and is bound to fall down.
So also, friendship and enmity, fortune and sorrow, good and evil,
All the thoughts that run through your mind – everything is always changing.
(Taken from ‘Words of My Perfect Teacher’ by Patrul Rinpoche)
All compounded things are impermanent and if we
look closely, everything is compounded. So, everything is impermanent. This may
seem negative or depressing but actually it is a breath of fresh air. Let me
explain.
The definition of compounded is ‘something that
consists of two or more things combined together.’ As I have just stated, all
phenomena are compounded, and that includes you and me. Just think for a
moment, is there anything in this universe that isn’t compounded? As of yet we
haven’t found anything.
The point Buddha was making here is that anything
that is made up of a combination of other things will eventually fall apart. It
will come into being when the various causes and conditions are right, it will
exist for a certain amount of time, and then it will disintegrate – this is the
nature of all things, this is impermanence. It is an undeniable and inescapable
fact of life.
Impermanence isn’t a word we readily warm to, and
it would be much nicer for us to believe that everything is permanent. But this
simply isn’t true, and in order to stop our suffering, we need to acknowledge
this fact. The reason we do not like to hear about impermanence is because it
brings up visions of sickness, pain, disintegration and death. We get a
horrible sick feeling in our stomachs because we equate impermanence with loss
– loss of a loved one, loss of our friends or even loss of something as trivial
as our iPhone. So, it is vitally important for all of us to understand
impermanence.
Why is it important? What are the benefits of understanding it? It means we
will achieve freedom from fear, freedom from suffering and freedom from panic,
because when we know things are not going to last, we are free from any fear,
agony or pain of losing something or someone.
Our mistaken belief is that things come into
existence on their own, and last forever. This kind of mistaken belief causes
us to cling to worldly possessions, such as material objects, the search for
pleasure, recognition, honour and so on. It causes pride, attachment, aversion
and arrogance to grow within us because we truly believe things are here to
stay. We grow completely attached to the concerns of this life.
So, it’s a relief when we finally understand that
everything is impermanent, and we can’t do a thing to change that fact. We can
now let go and relax our grip on things – that’s a real breath of fresh air!
Impermanence is not only true for pleasurable things,
but for painful things as well. Maybe someone you care for has died or left
you, and you are sad and lonely. These emotions are also impermanent and so
will, after time, also change. All the things we have aversion towards will
only last a short time. Like the morning dew, it will all soon change and
disappear.
Like the dew that remains
for a moment or two
On the tips of the grass and then melts with the dawn.
The pleasures we find in the course of our lives
last only an instant, they cannot endure.
(Taken from ‘Thirty-Seven Practices of All Buddha’s Sons’ by Thogme Zangpo)
So, the first noble truth stated that there is suffering flowing through our lives, and the second truth explains some of the causes. In the third truth Buddha explains that there is freedom from suffering.
This truth is called by
various names, such as nirvana, liberation, enlightenment and so on. It is
hotly debated these days. Some think that if you reach nirvana you will never
be born again, others think you will be reborn, but you can pick where. For
people who do not believe in rebirth, they see it as something we can achieve
in this lifetime. I have no idea who is right and who is wrong – it maybe they
are all wrong.
People think that nirvana is
like heaven, full of happiness, the opposite of this world. They image that
there, the sun shines brightly every day, only ‘good’ people are around, one
doesn’t have to work, there are no money worries, everybody is friendly, and
every moment is filled with happiness.
However, this is just a
projection of our dualistic minds, trying to fill heaven with all the things we
like best. But what about all the things other people like and we don’t? I
would want a heaven where no one eats meat, while others would want one where
they could eat a big fat juicy steak every day. Do we each get a heaven of our
own? I believe if people really gave some thought to their concept of heaven,
they would understand they were just changing one conditioned world for
another. That way, heaven, like this world, would be equally impermanent.
I am just going to give my
own thoughts here and you can decide for yourselves what you believe. I will
show you that there are two good bits of news in this third noble truth.
I feel that the best word to describe this third truth is awakening. We awaken from the sleep of unawareness. I do not see the process of awakening as some mystical or metaphysical thing.
Buddha said that awakening is the ‘highest happiness’, but he wasn’t talking about the mundane happiness we strive for in our everyday lives. He was talking about absolute freedom from unskillfulness, freedom from craving, attachment, desire, hatred and unawareness. All of this we can achieve in this lifetime by truly understanding the four noble truths and following the eightfold path. Once we start meditating on these teachings and turning them from knowledge to wisdom, we will start to change our actions of body, speech and mind.
This state of being awake can
be reached by anyone, whether they call themselves Buddhist or not, in this
very lifetime – you just have to put the effort and hard work in. That’s the
first bit of good news.
The second bit of good news
is we do not have to die to become awakened. It can be obtained during this
lifetime. Death is irrelevant to this process. People feel like this life is
full of discontentment and causes them nothing but suffering, and the only way
out is death. They feel at death they will be miraculously transported to a
better place. But the third truth is not talking about a place; it is the
cessation of the three poisons, namely, desire, anger and aversion and
unawareness. The Buddha defined it as ‘perfect peace’, or a state of mind that
is free from craving, anger and other afflictive states. We can find this
perfect peace in this body, on this planet and in this lifetime.
I honestly believe the third
truth isn’t talking about a metaphysical thing, it isn’t a place to go to and
we do not have to die to realise it. We just need to put in a huge amount of
effort so we can extinguish our afflictive states of mind.
I will leave you to reflect on this third truth, so you can decide which version makes the most sense to you.
You can read more blogs, listen to podcasts, watch videos and practice guided meditations on the Buddhism Guide app. Available from the Apple Store and Google Play.
If you would like to become a supporter of Buddhism Guides work, such as podcasts, blogs, videos and guided meditation practices, please visithere. You can support for as little as $2 a month.
When we do our meditation practice, mindfulness or a reflection/daily review, it will not always be plain sailing. There are five things that Gautama Buddha taught that will interfere with, obstruct and impede our progress. These are called the five hindrances and they are five negative mental states. (more…)
